READER DISCRETION WARNING:
If yesterday's reality check on friendships was too much for you, today is going to be really hard. Things are about to get personal. Consider yourself warned.
After all of this talk about friends, I hope you have a little more perspective on your friendships. However, if you feel like you have tried most of the tricks listed in Making Friends 101 and you still feel a little friendless, its time to take the next step in self-examination.
Maybe it's you.
It very well may not be you. In all likelihood it is a combination of you and them. But you can't change them, and you can change you. So let's talk about you. Here are 10 reasons you might not have friends:
1) You're Unfriendly
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say you don't mean to be. Sometimes your shyness comes across as snobby. Your reserve makes you seem angry. Here's the solution: ACT FRIENDLIER.
But I'm not outgoing! That's not who I am.
But aren't you feeling friendly on the inside? Don't you want to meet them and befriend them? So by acting that out, you are being an even truer form of yourself than yourself might want you to be. Because yourself sometimes is more concerned with protecting yourself than with being yourself. Confused yet? Really it's simple: We are so often our own worst enemy.
I'm not saying you have to have a cheesy smile and hugs everybody all the time. A kind smile, a good handshake, and a "Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm so glad to meet you" can go a long, loooooong way. I have made several good friends this way.
Also worth mentioning: remember names! "I'm bad with names" is no excuse for anything. Names are important--they're who we are-- so if you continually forget someone's name, you're saying "you're not important to me". So figure out how to be good with names.
2) RBF
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| Ha...get it? RBF? |
This could have been filed under the first one, but since it is so prevalent in our culture, I wanted to highlight it especially.
RBF is a big issue, and it seems to be getting worse. I largely blame this on the stress of the culture we live in, and somewhat on the lack of parental attention when raising children with this issue. I know many lovely people that suffer from this RBF, and I'm so glad I got past it. Unless you have a very close, relationship with someone, it is not a topic you can discuss and bring to their attention. Unfortunately, because they suffer from RBF, many may not have friends close enough to tell them they have it.
Make sure you don't have RBF! If you're not sure, ask as loved one, and tell them to be completely honest. Also, if you get a lot of "Margot... you look like you want to kill someone in this picture of you" that may also be an indicator. Be aware of yourself. When in doubt, smile.
Real life story: This is how I get past RBF.
My younger sister, Mandy, had a friend when she was in grade school who had cerebral palsy (I'm pretty sure that's what it was, anyway). Besides being obviously disabled, she also never smiled. Mandy, being Mandy (also being fully supported by Mom) befriended her. This girl was actually physically unable to smile because the muscles in her face would not allow it to happen. And she was such a sweet girl, and such a generous friend to Mandy. The moral of the story is this- if someone never smiles, I think to myself, "Self... maybe they literally cannot smile" which means they definitely need a friend.
3) Unavailable
We talked about this in Making Friends 101, so I don't need to beat a dead horse here. Just remember... if you keep saying "no," people are going to stop asking.
4) Debbie Downer
I can be obnoxiously optimistic at times, so I can only handle so much of this. STOP COMPLAINING. ALL. THE. TIME. Listen to yourself-- how many positive things do you say, and how many negative things do you say? Do you always think your life is miserable? Do you spend more time talking about the junk in your day than the blessings? This might be because you really think your life is that bad. If that's the case... I'm sorry for you. But I can't convince you your life isn't that bad, and neither can anyone else. YOU are the only one who can change your attitude.
Be thankful. Every day, think of three things you're thankful for. Thank people all the time. Count your blessings.
Speak positively! If you can't give up the negative talk, at least say one positive thing for every negative thing you say. At least.
5) Gossip/ Untrustworthy
Some people gossip maliciously. Most do not. I have met a few people who share things about other people with me that I really didn't need to know, and I don't think the other person would want me to know. A lot of the things aren't vicious, they're just "concerns", but I've heard too much about other people to trust this person with my secrets. Here is a hint: don't tell other people stuff about other people, unless you have permission, or unless someone's in danger. It's really that simple.
6) Too Needy
This one is closely tied with #10, but I wanted to talk specifically about it. Are you unsure about trying any new thing? Do you need constant reassurance that someone is not mad at you? Are you often offended by someone's lack of communication or apparent shortness with you? Can you never go to a doctor's appointment, church, class, or something else by yourself (if you are over 18)? These are all symptoms of being too needy. This also probably means that you are a taker, not a giver.
Have some self-confidence. More importantly, find your confidence in Christ.
7) Uninteresting/ Boring
If you don't have any interests, then what is there to talk to you about? What would someone have in common with you? Perhaps you can find friends in your coworkers, but often those friendships are formed by a common interest outside of work, even something as simple as a TV show.
Worth noting here: if nothing interests you, you should probably seek out a professional mental health counselor, because you may be suffering from depression, and we don't want that!
8) Refusal to Grow
If the only friendships you want are the talk-about-TV-and-hobbies kind, then this isn't an issue. But if you want deeper-share-your-thoughts-and-feelings types, then those are going to produce growth in you. Growth is sometimes painful and often scary. Frequently it involves hearing truth we need to hear but don't want to. It does not involve saying "yes, I hear you and I agree and I will work on that"... and then not "working on it."
9) Bad Listener
Do you talk a lot? Do you interrupt? Does your friend know everything about you and you only know a little bit about them? Then you might be a bad listener. The remedy for this (drumroll please)... start listening! If you Google how to be a better listener, I'm sure you'll come up with several articles about to do this.
10) Poor Self-Confidence
This can take two forms:
- In constant need of reassurance (see #6)
- Cockiness
I have heard over and over that the seemingly (obnoxiously) overly-confident people are the least confident on the inside. And I have absolutely observed this to be true. They feel the need to "prove" their confidence, and therefore overdo it, giving themselves away. They do not feel loved, appreciated, respected, etc., so they try to create that for themselves.
If you feel insecure, or don't really know "who you are", I have a secret for you.
Everybody feels that way.
Nobody has their crap together. We're all a mess, and none of us are sure what we're doing. And its ok. So just relax, be who you are, and ask God to grow you into who He wants to be.
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