Friendship Week: Making Friends 101

If you missed out earlier in the week, we're having friendship week here, on Dinkin' Around. You can catch up on the first two parts of the series here and here.  Welcome!

The first step in having healthy friendships, is to have friends.  Duh.  Sometimes making friends can be hard, though.  Sure, kindergarten was overwhelming, trying to figure out who to play with at recess, but by the time you graduate from college, you think you've got this down.  Making friends is so easy!  Why did I have so much trouble before?  And then you graduate and enter the dreaded Real World, and find that everything you learned about making friends in college is worthless, because college is not real life.  You don't live with a bunch of girls in the same stage of life.  You have a job and surviving to do, and maybe all of the "young adults" you know are married or --even worse-- have kids!  Then you maybe think you're starting to make a friend, but it's just not the same as your college friends.

You know what I'm talking about, right?  Or am I maybe just projecting my experiences on to you?

There are probably a million people more qualified than I am to tell you how to make friends.  But since I love giving unsolicited advice, I'm going to try to keep it to 10 tips on making friends.  Don't expect any insight on "vibes" or maybe even "chemistry."  My personality is definitely more Sheldon than Penny (actually, according to a "personality quiz" I just took, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler), so I don't usually pick up on vibes, and I'm really bad about sending them.  Most of these are going to be obvious.  All of them have worked for me at one time or another.

1.Ask God

"Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us." 

1 John 3:21-23 (emphasis mine)

God is faithful to answer the prayers of the righteous.  This does not mean you have to be perfect, it means that if you have accepted His forgiveness He will cover you with His righteousness, which makes you righteous.  Our own righteousness is filthy rags... His righteousness allows us to ask God for anything.

I once heard someone say that she thinks when we get to heaven there will be all of these gifts.  We'll ask God what they were for, and He will tell us He wanted us to have them, but we never asked for them.  

I would hate to miss out on blessings the Lord had for me because I didn't ask.

2.Watch for Opportunities

Is someone new at church?  Talk to them.  Is there a new class starting somewhere? Sign up.  You know that everybody will be new to the class, so it's a level playing field.  Someone smiles at you? Talk to them!  Someone needs help holding the door?  Hold it and strike up a conversation.  I know it sounds scary, and this next part sounds cliche, but the more you do it, the easier it will feel.  Get involved in something--anything!  I have found many friends through church, but it wasn't just from attending  church.  It was getting involved in a small group and signing up to teach Sunday school that helped me really form relationships.  The more things you do where you will regularly see someone, the better chance you have of making a friend.

3. Say "yes."

Get over your shyness.  Get over your fear.  Get over yourself, and say "yes" when someone invites you to do something!  Each time you say "no" you are less likely to be asked again.  This may require you to rearrange your schedule or make a sacrifice, but that's what friends do, so start acting like a friend, even if you're not friends yet.

4. Be Yourself

I debated on whether or not to say "Be your BEST self" but decided against it (although that's probably good advice to start out with, when you're going for that initial "friend date").  Maybe a better way to say it would be "Be your WHOLE self."  Be real enough that you don't seem like an over-perky person with a perfect life.  But also don't be so negative that you present your whole life as gloom and doom.  Mostly, don't pretend to be something you're not.  You know when you're doing it... don't do it.

5. Encourage Someone

Even the people that seem the happiest need encouragement sometimes, so take it upon yourself to BE THAT ENCOURAGEMENT.  Did you like what someone had to say in a meeting or class?  Tell them.  Do you think the girl scanning boarding passes at the airport has cute hair?  Tell her.  Did something mean more to you than the person probably knew?  Tell them.  You might be surprised to find that what you say means more than you know... and what a great way to start a friendship!

6. Be Friendly

Smile.  Say hello.  Offer to help.  Not rocket science, people...but I am AMAZED at how much this does not happen.  Make eye contact with people you pass on the street and in the store--treat them like a person.  Because they are a person.  So many people have a naturally angry look on their face.  We'll talk more about that Friday, but just make sure that person is not you!

7. Don't Worry

Am I coming on too strong?  Did they really mean it when they said they wanted to hang out?  Do they like me?  Do they want me to leave them alone?  Stop it, ok? Just STOP IT!  Because (say it with me now) it just doesn't matter.  It just doesn't matter.  It just doesn't matter.  

If you're really worried about coming on too strong, try email or texting.  This gives them the opportunity to avoid or ignore you.  Take the hint and leave them alone.  If they said they wanted to hang out, try to arrange that, at least once.

This is where advice about vibes might be helpful, but like I said-- I'm no good with vibes.  Besides, I really think they are as unique as the people who send them, so every situation is different.  No matter what, you WILL find people who like you.

8.Be Flexible

This can be a hard one for some people (myself included), but it is so very important!  It is easy to say "no" to things we don't like, because we "don't want to pretend to be someone we're not."  I get that.  But part of the purpose of friends is to help us experience new things.  Maybe you're a picky eater and don't want to try that new restaurant--do it anyway. What's the worst that could happen?  Maybe you don't like to workout, so why would you try the new Zumba class? (Answer: because Zumba is just AWESOME).  This is how friends help us grow as people!  

8.5 Be Available

I know this one can be hard but get creative.  Evenings don't work?  Maybe you can be early morning workout buddies.  Childcare a problem? Find something you can to together with the kids.  Or hang out during naptime or after the kids go down for the night.  Too busy?  Have a grocery-shopping date. It doesn't always have to be a lunch or coffee dates.

This is probably the number one thing that has kept me from developing friendships with others-- they keep saying they want to hang out, but they don't make the time for it.  Eventually, I move on. 

9. Initiate

If you're used to someone else making the first move, this can be scary.  But (I'm just gonna say it) if you never make the first move, you're kind of being a snob.  When you meet someone at a party, or at church, ask for their phone number right away.  Texting is a great way to get things going without too much pressure. "Hey! We should get together for dinner sometime! What's your schedule this week?"

I would also add, initiate quickly especially if you're in the market for more friends.  You never know when you will/won't see that person again.

You will be surprised at how people react, because they're probably flattered that you want to know them, and happy to make a new friend as well.

10. Manage your expectations

Growing up, you may have had a best friend you talked to about everything.  You may find that in adulthood... but you may not.  You might have one friend you talk about quilting with, and a few others you talk about marriage with.  You may see one friend several times a week, and meet another for coffee once per month.  That's ok.  There have been some friends that I have realized that "this is all the further we are going to go..." for now.  That might mean I just talk to them Sunday morning at church.  Maybe we will just cross paths occasionally, but like each other's Facebook posts.  That's ok too.  It's not bad, it doesn't mean you (or they) are not friend-worthy, it just means that for this time in your life, that's what works.

I especially want to add that you should not expect one friend to be everything to you.  Don't have one "best friend." They can't always be there, and its good to have a wide support network, so once you've found a good friend, great! Find another one.

That was kind of a lot, but I'm sure I didn't even scratch the surface.  How have you found your good friends?  Or (perhaps even more helpful) how did they find you?