How long, O LORD?

A (very) long time ago, I was on the "leadership team" in my youth group back home.  We were having a meeting and we were asked to share what we had been studying daily in God's word.  Many mentioned they were reading Psalms. A youth leader said something like "The psalms are good and all, but it is time for you to become more mature.  Psalms are like milk, and you should challenge yourself to dive into something more meaty, like Romans."

I have come to realize that leader was a bit mistaken.

No disrespect to Romans-- it is a very "meaty" book-- but the psalms are not exactly a warm cup of milk. For years now, I have turned to Psalm 27 when I am fearful, especially when Tim is out of town and I am home alone.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" (v. 1-2)

Throughout the many ups and downs of our adoption journey, I have clung to verse 8:

"My heart says of you, 'Seek his face!'  Your face, LORD, I will seek."

A friend recently pointed me to Psalm 91, a psalm of protection:

"If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even  the LORD, who is my refuge--

then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." 

(v. 9-12)

If that's not meaty, I don't know what is.  I pray it over the children in CAR as they face physical and spiritual warfare.

The point I'm trying to make is this: the psalms are not exactly a soft option.  There is tough stuff in there.

In August our pastor started a sermon series on Psalms of Lament.  As I have been struggling with our adoption process and waiting on the LORD, He has used this as an answer to so many prayers.  Prayers that God would show me His work, reveal His promises, speak to me, be near to me, show Himself to me.

I would strongly encourage you to listen to each and every sermon in this series, particularly if you are going through or have gone through some tough stuff.

August 4
August 11
August 18
August 25
September 8
September 22
(You can find all sermons here.)

We were out of town for the first in the series, so I jumped in with Jaime's sermon on the 11th.  The night before we had met with other families adopting from the same orphanage, and I was feeling not so much like a scab had been picked, but a wound had dehisced.   I'd been shoving my thoughts and feelings on the adoption to the side for most of the summer, and was suddenly face to face with them.  Jaime's words were so timely, and I have been claiming Psalm 126:5 ever since:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

I've been sowing a lot of tears lately, but these psalms of lament are exactly what my sore soul needs.

You will notice if you listen through the series that Pastor Bob encourages us to write our own lament.  The outline of a lament is roughly this:

1) Introductory Appeal
2) Complaint/ The Lament
3) Confession of Trust- Confidence
4) Petition to God
5) Shout of Praise

I'm not feeling short on material for lamentation, so I'm going to give this a try...

---
O Lord, my God,
My soul is weary. My mind is weak.  My heart is hurting.
How long must we wait, O Lord, to see this come to pass?
How many tear-soaked pillows and sleepless nights?
How long must our family and our life be "on hold" while we wait on your direction?
I have held my daughter as she cries, missing her "Bister Africa."
I have told her countless times "I don't know when they are coming. We must keep praying."
How long must she wait to see You answer her prayers?
How long must she be an only child?
How long must our African children wait?
How many more times will they be threatened with the trauma they have already lived through once?
How long must we guard our hearts, uncertain of your plan for our family or our future?

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." (1)

LORD, your Word says
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (2)

I will wait upon You. Yes, LORD, I will wait upon You.
One day You will wipe away all of my tears. (3)
You are with me always.  You are right beside me as I lie awake.
You feel my hurt, pain, and sorrow more than I do!
Therefore I will wait on You.

My life may be on hold for You, but You have put nothing on hold!  You are always working.
Therefore I will wait on You.

You are right beside each of my children, always.  Holding them in their sadness and loneliness.  Watching over them and protecting them.  You love them more than I do, LORD!
Therefore I will wait on You.

You are not slow about keeping Your promise, as some understand slowness. Instead You are patient with us, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (4)
Therefore I will wait on You.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all-- how will He not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (5)
Father God, I have seen Your work and felt Your presence at that blessed house on a hill, deep in the heart of Africa. You are there, watching over each child, and working to fulfill Your purposes for them.
Therefore I will wait on You.

I have not seen the completion of your work; I have not seen the end of the story. But this is why I have hope!
"...hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?"(6)
I have faith, because I am not seeing all that You are doing.  For "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (7)
I am certain You are working and You have a plan, although I do not see it!
Therefore I will wait on You.

Father God, I know that You hear my cries.  You see my tears. You know my heart, and You feel my pain.  
You have always been faithful; YOUR LOVINGKINDNESS NEVER ENDS! 
You have reminded me time and time again that You go before me, and You are my rear guard (8).  You were very clear in Your call to us to start down this path, and You have never left our side!  We are in the darkness and the fog, and we don't know which way to turn, so we will cling to Your hand and allow You to guide us through this wilderness one step at a time.

Your love endures forever. (9)
Therefore I will wait on You.
---
1 Lamentations 3:21-26
2 Isaiah 40:29, 31
3 Revelation 21:4
4 2 Peter 3:9
5 Romans 8:31-32
6 Romans 8:24
7 Hebrews 11:1
8 Isaiah 52:12
9 Psalm 136

Do you have a favorite psalm? Please share!  I would also love to read your laments...thanks for being here.

Adoption FAQ's

I think in my last post I may have overstated my case about being tired of questions, because no one asked me questions!  I do want you to ask just... ask gently, I guess.  That's generally good advice when asking anyone something remotely personal.  Ask if you're really going to listen to their answer. Don't come at it with your own expectations or assumptions, and let them feel what they are feeling, even if it doesn't match your feelings.  I do want to talk about it, because I need to talk about it, because it's a lot to process and I need to get some of it out of my head.

Thanks for listening. :)

on our way to the Central African Republic, March 2018

Let's continue the discussion with some FAQ's...

How much longer will it take?

We have no idea.  It could be a few more months, or it could be a few more years. There have been so few adoptions out of CAR that an "average" time frame would be statistically insignificant, as well as irrelevant, because each case is so different.  Around the holidays one of our friends asked us "Do you think 2019 will be the year that you bring them home?" and our answer was "that would be extremely optimistic."  And neither Tim nor I are overly optimistic.  It will happen when it happens. God's timing is perfect, even if the waiting is hard.

"Why does it take so long?"

Our process specifically has taken a very long time (so far) for many, many reasons.  Things in Africa move on "African time" and things in CAR are not particularly stable.  The US government is in no rush on immigration, our agency has been dealing with the struggles of starting a new adoption program, and we, personally, are not get 'er done kind of people. Each of these components has their own very good reasons for moving at the pace that they do (perhaps with the exception of Tim and I), and the intention behind the delays and caution is really to protect these children.  There are many times I have thought "I wish I would have worked harder to get that turned in sooner" or "maybe I should have pushed harder or called more often or sent more emails to get people moving" or even "does God want me to fight harder/ work harder for this?" But when I read the Bible and I ask the Holy Spirit to help me, what God keeps saying is

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. " (Exodus 14:14).

Many other adoptive moms I know have very Type A personalities, and are making phone calls, writing emails, knocking on doors, kickin' butt and takin' names.  And I wonder if I should try to be more like that-- fighting for my kid(s).  But the reality is, I hate calling people. I am not a pusher or a do-er. I hate to email people to just check in or see if there are any updates, because I don't usually like it when people do that to me...I assume they have a good reason for not having responded or updated me. And what I keep telling myself (maybe what God is telling me) is that my laid-back nature might be one of my greatest strengths as an adoptive parent.  I don't know...I'm not there yet. But I'm trying to seek the Lord, and ask Him to change me into the best mama for this kid/ these kids.

"Why is adoption so expensive? Don't they want to encourage people to help these kids?"

One of the best responses I have heard to this question is that adoption is a picture of our adoption as God's children, and our adoption was so costly. Ephesian 1:5 says that "He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will."  The cost of our adoption was the death of God's own perfect Son, who took the punishment for the sin of the world.  He did this so that we could be "fellow heirs with Christ" (Rom 8:17).  Could there be a greater cost, than the life of the perfect Son of God?  What is a mere $20,000-$50,000 in light of the price of our adoption!?

Another perspective that God has given me is that He uses the task of funding an adoption to show how He provides, and to help families realize their resources and support systems.  Many families do fundraisers to help cover costs, and I'm sure that by doing that, God builds their support system and affirms the call to adoption.  We have done no fundraising yet, but God has still been so faithful to provide abundantly, showing us that He is walking with us through this process.

"They have living relatives? Then why are they at an orphanage?"

For kids to be adopted from CAR, at some point a living family member must give consent.  This happens at different points in different cases, but from what I understand, if a living relative is not involved in the process, it will not happen. So why are kids at an orphanage when they have living relatives?  Although the answer is very complex, it is also simple: their families are unable to care for them.  JHO is actually very selective regarding who they will take in to the orphanage, because the preference is for children to be cared for in homes with families.  To be allowed into the orphanage, circumstances are usually life-or-death.  There is no one who can provide what the child needs to survive. If relinquishment of familial rights is a requirement for kids to enter the orphanage, it makes the decision that much harder for the family caring for the child.  Put yourself in their shoes: you live in a war-torn country that is the hungriest country in the world.  You do not have a job, and survival is a moment-to-moment task.  You are trying your best to care for your child or family member, but you are losing. You are dying and they are dying. There is an opportunity for this child to live in an orphanage with loving staff, 3 meals per day, a roof over their head, the healthcare they need, and more security than you have ever known.  What if you had to agree to never see this child, never be involved in their life, not be able to see them grow up,  just so they could go to this orphanage?  I think that would be a hard decision to make. Thankfully, JHO does not require that, but the US government does if the child is to be adopted.

Does your daughter understand you are adopting?

Very early on in the process, we asked The Peanut if she wanted a brother or a sister, and she promptly replied "Bister!"  We've since been referring to the child or children we are adopting as her Bister, and we pray for them together every single day.

She's starting to wrap her mind around it a little more, and will often pray for her "Sister Africa" (she's decided it's a sister, I guess, not that she really knows the difference between brothers and sisters).  She talks about when "My Africa comes to my house" and generally she seems excited about it.  However, I don't think she really knows what it all means and it will be a big adjustment for her, just like for any 3 (or 4 or 5) year old when they get their first new sibling.  We'll break the news to her that their name is not Africa when we know their name(s).  I've tried explaining that Africa is actually a place, not a person, but...try explaining that to a 3-year-old.  I spend enough time explaining "why?" that I get a little worn out, so sometimes you just roll with it.

How can I help/support/pray for you?

Thank you for asking!  We need all the help and support we can get!  

One of the best ways you can support us right now is to educate yourself about adoption and trauma, and how to care for kids from hard places.  A great resource I have been enjoying is The Adoptive Mom podcast-- so many amazing stories of God working in adoptive families!  But have tissues ready, especially if you start at Season 1 Episode 1.  The conversations Alex has with her guests will begin to give you an idea of the challenges of adopting, dealing with trauma, expectations for adoption and adoptive families.  Lots of great stuff!  Many other resources have been mentioned in the podcast, and as I work through those, I will share the ones I find particularly helpful on the Adoption page of my blog here.

Throughout every step of the process, prayer will be the best way you can support us.  Here are a few specific ways you can pray right now.

-Pray for the birth family of our adopted kid(s).  Our agency is working to obtain relinquishment, which means their birth family signs away all legal familial connection.  This is a hard decision and very complex.  Please pray for peace in their family, and above all, that they would put their hope in Christ, not the next generation of their family.

-Pray for the lawyer in CAR as they work through this process, that they would encounter few obstacles and no corruption.

-Pray for peace in CAR.  This has been an ongoing struggle that has actually been in the news lately. Pray that they would be able to move forward as a united nation, and that all of the children in CAR would experience safety and stability.

-Pray that the US Embassy would work to complete adoptions.  5 families ahead of us in the process are waiting on the US Embassy to complete final (routine) investigations and allow their adopted kiddos to leave the country. Please pray for movement and pray against fear.

-Pray for our family.  The waiting is hard, but we know God is working.  Pray that God would give us eyes to see His work and that He would be preparing us all for what is to come.  Especially as The Peanut is now asking questions, pray that we would help her to process this and that God would guard her heart.

-Pray for the child(ren) we will adopt!  Pray that they would trust the Lord and know Him more each day.  Being adopted will be another crisis for them to navigate, and I pray that they know the Lord and rely on Him through another big life change.


I think those are the big questions we get asked.  Thanks for walking through this with us and for your support and prayers.  I'll try to keep you posted!

thoughts of an adopting mom + a (little) adoption update

Hi Friends.

It's been awhile since I've updated you on our adoption.  The reasons are many...progress has been very slow, and every step completed just leads to more waiting, so even though each milestone is significant, it doesn't feel like it brings us any closer to a completed adoption.  Also, (and this is very much my own "junk") when I do tell people about a completed step, it leads to many questions about what that means, what's next, and how long it will be.  I have a basic understanding of what these things mean, but I don't know answers to questions like "what is next" and "how long will it be."  For the most part I'm ok with not knowing these answers (at least I'm trying to be ok with it), but many other people are NOT ok with not know these answers, and sometimes I can start to absorb their anxiety about it. Additionally, we do know answers to some of these questions, but it is not necessarily our place (or appropriate) to share them with others.

The tricky thing is, it's not that I don't want people to ask about our adoption... I do! I want to have conversations about it!  I just don't know how to balance these things out.  Tim and I are working hard at trusting the Lord and trying to manage our expectations for this adoption, but it often feels like the more challenging thing is to manage other people's expectations for our adoption.

It is very hard to put words to my thoughts and feelings, so for the most part, I just try to not talk about it.  But I'm realizing that's not probably very good for me, so I'm trying to get some of it out here. (Thanks for listening!)

Since we last checked in on this topic, a few things have happened that are "big milestones."  In July we received the final copy of our home study report.  In November, we submitted our report, along with our I-600A form to USCIS (US Customs and Immigration Services).  On January 12, 2019 we were notified that USCIS approved us to adopt internationally.  So where are we now?  Basically, we are waiting on a referral, aka, "a match."  At this time, we feel that God is calling us to adopt a sibling group of two children, but we are trying to be sensitive to His leading, understanding that He may guide us in a different direction.  We do not believe that we will be adopting a "baby," because the youngest child at the orphanage is about 4 years old.  Sometimes people ask me "how are things going with your baby?" or say "I'm praying for your baby" and my initial reaction is confusion and "What baby? Oh, our adoption? Yeah..." That doesn't mean that at some point a baby may come to the orphanage and God may lead us in that direction, but right now, that's not where our brains are.

We have no idea how long it will take to be matched... so far it has been about 1.5 months.  I don't know what happens after that, but what I understand (roughly) is that we will send our dossier to CAR, it will be translated, there will be some court dates (2 seems to be the usual number of court dates), we will file an I-600 form with USCIS, and when that is approved, there are final exit interviews and visas to get before we travel to go bring them home. Each of these steps can take a very long time, and each initial step in our case took way longer than "average" or expected.

God is working through this wait, in CAR, in our kid(s), in people we don't even know or see, and in people surrounding us.  I don't see all that He is doing, but I do see the work He is doing in me, and I am learning many things.  Here are a few of them.

• Adoption is beautiful, but it always starts with trauma.  It is so important that we honor and recognize the biological families that adopted children come from and respect the very hard decisions they had to make.
• Culture is so complicated.  It is also so much a part of who we are, that it is difficult to realize when we are viewing something--especially what we consider "right" and "wrong" through the lens of our own culture.  That's why I'm so grateful that God gives us His Word, and His Spirit is faithful to reveal our hearts and His Truth.
• I am not "saving" this kid/ these kids by adopting them.  They are in a very good, very healthy place.  I'm realizing that most orphanages are not as good as JHO, and I'm so grateful for the staff there and financial supporters of the ministry.  I pray daily for physical and spiritual protection over them and their work.
• My good friend, Kari, recently shared with me from her study of the life of David-- "The wait isn't nothing." God is using it and working in it.  
• The Lord will fight for me.  The Lord will fight on behalf of these orphans.  The battle is not mine.  I need to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12).  I need to be the persistent widow Christ spoke of in Luke 18.  Luke introduces the story by saying "Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up" (Luke 18:1).  There are many times I have wondered whether or not this adoption will actually happen. While it is looking perhaps a little bit more likely, there is still no guarantee that it will come to fruition.  Yes, we feel that God has clearly called us to walk down this path, but I do not believe that He has (yet) promised us it will end with a child.  A friend of mine has experienced several miscarriages, and as she has worked through that with the Lord, He has asked her "What if the outcome of all of this is not another child?  What if it is simply a closer walk with Me?  Is that enough for you?"  Wow. Hard questions.  But what could be better that a closer walk with God?

Thanks for reading this brain barf.  I was going to try to cover some frequently asked questions here as well, but this post is long enough already, so I'll do that in another post soon.  I know I said I get tired of answering questions, but I also said I do still want people to ask!  So, let me know what questions you have, and I will try to cover them in my next post!

I'm also adding an "Adoption" page to the blog that I will slowly add to with the timeline of our process, links to adoption posts, and some resources I've found helpful.  Remember that each adoption story is different, and our process may look completely different from someone else's.

Again, thanks for being here, supporting, encouraging, and walking with us through this process!

This Is 2: lessons from a toddler on living your best life

The opinions expressed below are only those of the two-year-old in question, and do not necessarily reflect those of her parents.

Since it's a new year and everyone's turning over a new leaf (and I'll only be two for a few more days), I wanted to hop on and share my advice for those of you wanting to get more out of life.  Since I'm two, I live life LARGE, with a whole lot of intensity.  So I thought I would be pretty qualified to help you enjoy every single moment of every single day. Here are 10 tips for living full-throttle, every waking moment.

1.) When it comes to fashion, more is more.  Layers are always great, but make sure to pay attention to matching.  Consider my outfit below: the pants and the undershirt have flowers, and the undershirt and top shirt have pink.  So everything matches.  See how this works?

2.) The best way to get from point A to point B is not to walk directly there.  Using unconventional methods is much more fun.  Personally, I prefer a mixture of parkour and dawdling, but hopping is super-fun, too.  Whatever you do, DO NOT RUSH.  Take as much time as possible, stopping point out every airplane, dog, cloud, leaf, crumb, and fire hydrant (is it just me, or have you guys recently noticed there are fire hydrants EVERYWHERE!?)

3.) Exercise regularly.  Some people say 3-5 times per week, but I don't know what a week is, so I do 3-5 times per day.  I move a lot, and I jump on my trampoline, or I dance, or I run back and forth.  If you don't work hard enough to feel a little short of breath, then just pretend by breathing fast for a few seconds so your parents notice you.

4) Help somebody. I love, love LOVE to be busy, and my mom has a lot to do, so I like to help her. 

I like to help Mom bake bread, and I love to help with the dishes.  Here's a bonus tip about dishes Mom just taught me: you can use a sponge to scrub the food off, too!  You don't have to rely completely on soap and water to get them clean!

5.) Stay organized. Personally, I like to keep all of my papers and toys in the living room, dining room, kitchen, breakfast nook, my room, Mom & Dad's room, and the hallway. That way they're contained and I don't have to look all over the house to find what I need.  I like to keep Mom and Dad organized the same way.  Different systems work for different people, though, so just find what works best for you!

6.) There is never a bad time for a selfie, even when you're in the bathroom.  I got Mom in on this one, too.

7.) Find your happy place.  Somewhere that even the thought of going there makes you happy.  Mine are the library and Aldi.  The library is good for so much more than books!  There are toys and computers, and I get to stand on a stool and help check things out--they even have a drinking fountain!  Aldi is great, too, and I love to ride out to the car hiding under all of the grocery bags.

8.) When you get an ouchie, just put a band aid on it and go to bed. 'Nugging someone you love can help you feel bebber, too! In the picture below, I didn't even know how much my ouchie hurt until I saw the band aids.  It would have been a lot of work to take of my jammies and stick them on my knees, so I just skipped a step and put them on my jammie knees...

9.)  You have a voice-- make sure you are heard!  Say it LOUD.  Repeatedly.  Tell people what you need/want/think/see/smell/hear all the time.  If you're not sure they got it, say "Do you understand?" 

10.) Eat your cinnamon roll from the inside out.  You don't know when you will be full (or ready to stop eating for some other reason), so make sure you eat the good stuff first!