This Is 2: lessons from a toddler on living your best life

The opinions expressed below are only those of the two-year-old in question, and do not necessarily reflect those of her parents.

Since it's a new year and everyone's turning over a new leaf (and I'll only be two for a few more days), I wanted to hop on and share my advice for those of you wanting to get more out of life.  Since I'm two, I live life LARGE, with a whole lot of intensity.  So I thought I would be pretty qualified to help you enjoy every single moment of every single day. Here are 10 tips for living full-throttle, every waking moment.

1.) When it comes to fashion, more is more.  Layers are always great, but make sure to pay attention to matching.  Consider my outfit below: the pants and the undershirt have flowers, and the undershirt and top shirt have pink.  So everything matches.  See how this works?

2.) The best way to get from point A to point B is not to walk directly there.  Using unconventional methods is much more fun.  Personally, I prefer a mixture of parkour and dawdling, but hopping is super-fun, too.  Whatever you do, DO NOT RUSH.  Take as much time as possible, stopping point out every airplane, dog, cloud, leaf, crumb, and fire hydrant (is it just me, or have you guys recently noticed there are fire hydrants EVERYWHERE!?)

3.) Exercise regularly.  Some people say 3-5 times per week, but I don't know what a week is, so I do 3-5 times per day.  I move a lot, and I jump on my trampoline, or I dance, or I run back and forth.  If you don't work hard enough to feel a little short of breath, then just pretend by breathing fast for a few seconds so your parents notice you.

4) Help somebody. I love, love LOVE to be busy, and my mom has a lot to do, so I like to help her. 

I like to help Mom bake bread, and I love to help with the dishes.  Here's a bonus tip about dishes Mom just taught me: you can use a sponge to scrub the food off, too!  You don't have to rely completely on soap and water to get them clean!

5.) Stay organized. Personally, I like to keep all of my papers and toys in the living room, dining room, kitchen, breakfast nook, my room, Mom & Dad's room, and the hallway. That way they're contained and I don't have to look all over the house to find what I need.  I like to keep Mom and Dad organized the same way.  Different systems work for different people, though, so just find what works best for you!

6.) There is never a bad time for a selfie, even when you're in the bathroom.  I got Mom in on this one, too.

7.) Find your happy place.  Somewhere that even the thought of going there makes you happy.  Mine are the library and Aldi.  The library is good for so much more than books!  There are toys and computers, and I get to stand on a stool and help check things out--they even have a drinking fountain!  Aldi is great, too, and I love to ride out to the car hiding under all of the grocery bags.

8.) When you get an ouchie, just put a band aid on it and go to bed. 'Nugging someone you love can help you feel bebber, too! In the picture below, I didn't even know how much my ouchie hurt until I saw the band aids.  It would have been a lot of work to take of my jammies and stick them on my knees, so I just skipped a step and put them on my jammie knees...

9.)  You have a voice-- make sure you are heard!  Say it LOUD.  Repeatedly.  Tell people what you need/want/think/see/smell/hear all the time.  If you're not sure they got it, say "Do you understand?" 

10.) Eat your cinnamon roll from the inside out.  You don't know when you will be full (or ready to stop eating for some other reason), so make sure you eat the good stuff first!

Do I like nursing?

As I near the 6 month milestone in my new nursing career, I've been asked a lot (and ask myself, too!)..."Do I like it?"  Do I like nursing as a career? Do I like my job specifically? Do I like working night shift.

To make a long story short: Yes.  Yes. Yes.

But I'm not really one to make a story short when I could go on and on, so if you're interested in The Long Story...read on.

3 months ago my answers would have been "Prooobably." "I'm not sure I'm lovin' it, but I'm interested in working in OB." and "Nights sure beat Days!"  Now I'm feeling much more settled, and a little bit more competent (just a little!), and I'm extremely grateful (most of the time) that God chose to make me a nurse .  Since nothing is ever 100% perfect, and there's always bad with the good (and good with the bad), let's break it down a little.  Here are 5 things I don't like, and 5 things I do like.

5 things I don't like:

1. Working and having a job.  I know that these are both good things, but having that obligation really cramps my style, ya know?  Not to mention it takes a lot of time.  It would be so much nicer to have every day, evening, and weekend off!  But this is what God has called me to do, so here I am.
2. The rest of the world does not operate on a night shift schedule.  Packages are delivered (causing the dogs to bark like crazy) about an hour after I get to sleep.  Important phone calls come in the middle of the day (middle of the night, for me), and I am sometimes forced to choose between sleeping and missing out, or showing up and being a zombie. If I worked days, these things would be a little more clean-cut: I can be there, or I can't be there. I'm working or its my day off.  The lines are a little fuzzier on nights. Also, trainings and meetings are never scheduled at convenient times for night people. But is there every really a convenient time?
3. Dealing with anxious, confused, agitated, or otherwise very needy patients.  Like the ones that have a hefty dose of Lasix ordered for 2100 (why?!) and need assistance to transfer to the commode.  Every. 10. minutes.  I think I find this especially draining (no pun intended) because at home I have a very mommy-dependent toddler that wants to be with me all of the time, and even if she doesn't want to be with me, she requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE (in the words of Mad-Eye Moody).  Its just a lot of being needed, and not much of a break.
4. Calling the doctor.  Because I hate calling people in general (does anybody actually like it?), and because I know I sound like I'm 12 when I'm on the phone (and probably in person, too), and because I'm always afraid they'll ask me something I don't know but I should, and because it usually means the doctor forgot something or I forgot something or the patient has had a change of status. Not good things.  Thankfully, we have some really great docs (especially on nights) and after working with them for awhile you can have an idea of what to expect from them, and what they expect from you.
5. I don't like not being perfect. I hate it that I'm not super-nurse.  I can never get everything done, and if I can, it's not done on time.  I can never give my patients the level of care that I want to.  This is mostly due to the fact that I can only be in one place at one time, and I only have 2 hands and not 4.  And they forgot to give me my magic wand at our pinning ceremony (I really need to follow up on that).  I'm slowly learning to become more efficient and sort out what really does and doesn't matter.  And occasionally I have come home after a shift and thought "maybe I kind of did ok."

5 things I do like:

1. Working and having a job. Yes, the "I want to stay home/I want to work" debate is never. ending. in my head (seriously, it never stops).  But I'm glad I have a reason to get out of the house.  I'm glad to have a break from The Peanut that I love so much, and I'm glad she gets time with her dad without me.  It really helps that the work I do is extremely meaningful and pretty fulfilling. And I'm not complaining about the money that gets deposited into our checking account due to the fact that I work.  The money that allows me to PAY SOMEONE TO CLEAN MY HOUSE.  Yes, you read that right.  I pay someone to clean my house, and it is WORTH IT!!
2. What I love about nights is that there are way less people around.  On days you can walk into the nurses' station at any given moment and there could be 5-15 people in there.  On nights you walk in and chances are good there will be NO ONE in there.  We don't deal with physical therapy, or doctors rounding, there are a lot fewer visitors (don't get be wrong, they are still very much there), and there are no administrators- just a House Supervisor.  The vibe is much more chill on nights.  The lights are out.  Even when it gets busy (which it does!) it is a quiet busy.  I love the night-shift vibe.  And the people that work nights tend to be much more laid-back and easygoing as well.
3. Being there for patients who are anxious, confused, agitated, very sick, or otherwise need a nurse.  I love bedside nursing! I love taking care of people.  I love explaining things to them as much as I am able.  I love helping them when they really need help.  I love talking to them and joking with them, and hearing their stories (they have some GREAT stories, guys), and making them comfortable and fluffing their pillows and getting them pain meds and fresh ice water. And I LOVE giving them warm blankets.  Nursing is the best, guys!  I LOVE it! What a relief...nursing school was quite a hell to go through, and how awful would it be if I didn't like nursing?
4. The team of people that I work with is fantastic.  Since I clearly am not perfect, I rely on others so much.  First of all, the grace of my All-Powerful God has carried me (and my patients) through more that I will ever know.  Secondly, the aides, nurses, supervisors, monitor techs, lab techs, respiratory therapists (love them!) and yes...even the doctors that I work with are all in it together to do what's best for the patients we care for.  We help each other and we support each other.  And we have fun, too!
5. I love that the work I do is meaningful and life-giving.  When the world around me seems to be filled with darkness and dismay, and there is so much that I feel helpless about, I feel like there are maybe some things I can help with.  I can't save the world (but God can!), I can't heal anybody (but God can!), but at least I now have more skills to use to serve the Lord and help hurting people.

So, yes, I like nursing.  Yes, I like my job (I think I'll hold off on moving to OB for now).  And night shift is definitely my jam.

As always, thanks for hanging in there with me.  I know my posting isn't very consistent, but you all read and support me anyway, and I am so thankful!

Summer 2016

Hi Friends!  I'm here with a little update/ check-in while I have a bit of a breather from school.  Here's what's been going on around here.

May

The Peanut got to meet her Aunt Anna, and we all had a fantastic time.   When we picked Anna up at the airport, we decided to go out to breakfast at a French bakery I had been wanting to try.  For those of you who don't know, I always take my coffee black.  No cream, no sugar, no flavorings.  Anna is always posting pictures of her beautiful cappuccinos and lattes and I always look at them and think, "I wish I liked milk in my coffee, because I wish I could enjoy that."  It's one of those things, like chicken sandwiches, that I try occasionally and thing "maybe this will be the time that I like it."  And every time I'm like "Nope."  A friend of mine had recommended the cafe breve at this bakery, so I decided to go out on a limb and try it. You know what?  I LOVED it! With a pain au chocolat? Perfection.

Anna changed places with my parents who came Mother's Day weekend to see Peanut's dedication.We had a small crowd on the stage, but it was a blessing to stand up there with our long-time friends and newer friends, celebrating 4 births and 3 adoptions.  But it's pretty daunting to look ahead and think about the importance of raising our Peanut to know and love the Lord.  When we met with our pastor before hand, he said one of the most helpful things I've heard about parenting. "The Bible simply tells you to teach your children the Truth.  Teach them what the Bible says and Who God is.  God will do the rest. You are not responsible for their salvation, you are only responsible for teaching them."  It was a great perspective, and in a way, a weight off my shoulders.  But also, teaching her God's Truth is overwhelming.  So we will do it one day at a time.  And we have biological and church family that love that little girl like crazy and will pray for us and support us as we raise her up in the way she should go.

June

Sapphire, the Peanut, and I started June by taking a trip out to Colorado to visit Sapphire's new nephew (and her brother and sister-in-law) and also my sister Mandy, her husband Kevan, and their dog Lance.  The drive there and back was, shall we say... intense, with a 4 month old.  She didn't travel quite as well as she did on her Grand Tour.  And Nebraska is a big state.  (Seriously, does it ever end?) But we made it through, and our time in Denver was so relaxing and wonderful.  I was also able to sneak down to Colorado Springs for a day and visit my cousin, Rachel, who I hand't seen in awhile.  On the way back, we stopped for a much needed break to meet my cousin, Kim's, baby girl and see Kim and Chelsea.  Overall it was a good trip, but Sapphire and I agree that next time we should just fly.

I started my ADN program (Associate Degree in Nursing- an RN program) at the end of June.  I was excited to get back to school, ready to study, work hard, and learn stuff.  My first week we learned how to do IV's, and practiced on a fake arm.  It was awesome.

July

By the time we got to July, I was ready for school to be done.  Forever. School was INTENSE.  We called in The Grandmas for help with the Peanut the last two weeks of class, because I also had clinicals, and we were all in pretty bad shape.  I was stressed, Tim was stressed, and the Peanut was Over It.  Thank goodness they came, because I don't even know how we would have made it through.  

The Fourth of July weekend was especially terrible, because for the third year in a row, my job kept us from going to visit family or doing anything that was much fun.  Not that I could have spared a weekend from studying anyway.

After five weeks of class, I had passed, but I was exhausted and sick with a nasty cold.

August

I've been using my 5 week break to rest, relax, and regroup.  I've been trying to catch up with friends before the fall semester hits, yet trying to get as much sleep as my baby girl will allow, which is actually a lot.  We got away for a vacation with Tim's family to a cabin in the woods, which was exactly what I needed.  The Peanut finally got to meet her Aunt Emily as well, so now all aunts and uncles have met this crazy girls. Also, I may or may not have gained a couple of pounds, because we ate so much good food.  

Since we've been home, I've been trying to catch up on some things, and enjoy the Olympics as much as possible.  I actually find that my evenings are more productive when the Olympics are on, because I find all kinds of tasks that I can do while I watch, and there's always the list of "during commercial breaks."

Tim and I have tried to come up with a new game plan for fall semester, because we barely made it through the five weeks of summer class.  We're going to arrange for more childcare, and (thanks to my mom) we have the freezer stocked with food.  I need to start each day remembering that my Strength is in the Lord, not in myself, and that He will carry me through this, since this is what He has called me to do.

Also, for an update on the Peanut, she continues to be awesome.  She's not technically crawling, but she moves around on her tummy to get where she wants to go. She's doing well with solid foods, and continues to sleep 10-12 hours at night.  She could turn nap resistance into an Olympic sport, and when she is awake she is busy, busy, busy.  When she works out the mechanics of crawling, she's really going to keep us on our toes, since she'll be getting around (and into everything) so fast.  And she still loves her Tico.

That's it for now.  Christmas Spirit Days start next month, so get excited.  Has this been a summer of survival or a summer of fun for you?  Are you loving the Olympics as much as I am?

As always, thanks for hanging in there with me.  Maybe someday I will get on a regular posting schedule, but today is not that day.

Thoughts of a New Mom

Be warned: you're about to catch a glimpse of my mind, and it can be a very scary place.

Well, kids, I feel like I can breathe again. The first month or two of Peanut's life were kind of a whirlwind, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  But she's sleeping through the night now (yes, I know how lucky we are), and we've maybe kind of sort of found a rhythm with breastfeeding, and she's basically a dream child.  For now.  I don't know if we're through the woods, or if it's just the eye of the storm, but I am thankful for the rest, and the quiet, and the slow pace of life in which to soak up every minute of this baby girl.

A couple of months ago, this was not the case.  When we took her in for her two week check-up, what our pediatrician (and friend) seemed most concerned about was Tim and I and how little sleep we were getting. I guess we were looking a little rough.  But what concerned me was that she was concerned.  Aren't all parents of two-week old's exhausted?  Were we just whinier, or were we worse than normal?  I know it's an adjustment for everyone, but it felt really rough for us.  Were we having a harder time than other new parents?  If so, why?  Maybe it's because we had 8 years just the two of us.  Maybe it's because we still weren't sure we were ready to be parents.  I don't know.  But I kind of felt alone.  Like, "I know everyone else goes through this, but they don't do it quite like this."  And it's true.  My friend shared this fantastic article* with me, and the line that stuck out to me the most was.

"You've likely heard this so many times that you've stopped hearing it, but having a kid changes everything. That means different things for different couples, and different things for every individual, and it takes many months to begin to understand what it means for you..."

I can't even begin to explain how my life has been flip-turned upside down, because I'm still not even sure I understand.  It's a little unnerving, because sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.  Speaking of feelings...motherhood has opened up ALL the feels I could feel.  I'm not really a feelings kind of person...I don't even know what to do with all of the feels.

*Sidenote: Tim never asks "What did you do all day?", at least not in that accusatory way.  He is so full of grace, and I am so thankful.

---

In early October, when I was about six months pregnant, a very dear, precious friend of mine lost her little boy.  He was 3 years old and was in a farm accident.  He died in her arms the next day.  I can't begin to tell you how much that broke my heart, and I can't begin to imagine how it broke hers.  Not surprisingly, this has impacted how I have parented my Peanut from day 1.  I want to soak up every moment, because I don't know how long I'll have her.  And for all I know, she could be my last child...there are not guarantees.

Another dear, precious friend recently sent me a book she read when she was a new mother.  I'm still working through it, and it has been so good in helping me work through my feels.  The author, Lisa-Jo, lost her mother when she was 18 years old. I'm reminded that I'm not guaranteed another day on this earth either, and I want to communicate to the Peanut how intensely I love her every day.  So we sit and we snuggle.  All day.  Every day.  She takes about 4-5 little naps per day, and I prefer that 1-4 or 5 of those naps are taken while I'm holding her.

My own mother lost her mom when they were both too young as well. My grandma never met any of us kids. My mom had to become a mom without her mom.  I honestly don't know how she did it, but I am blown away by how much courage that must have taken.  I'm so glad that I have my mom to help me be a mom.  To tell me I'm doing a good job.  To love my daughter like crazy.  To tell me that even though things aren't going like the books say they should, they're going fine, and I'm doing fine, and my girl is doing fine.  I'm glad she texts me and calls me to see how I'm doing.  It means so much to me.  Mom, I love you!

---

Sometimes I look at the little mittens the Peanut wears, and wonder what the child who made them in  a sweatshop thought as they sewed.  Did they laugh at us Americans, that we would need such a frivolous thing for our babies?  Did they resent that a baby would be so treasured and loved that someone would think to put mittens on it? Becoming a mom has placed a huge, heavy, sometimes oppressive burden on my heart for moms and children that do not have love and support.  Sometimes I feel for them so strongly that it is almost suffocating.  But I know that people are resilient.  And I know that God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. He makes beauty from ashes.  And he loves these people even more that I do.  He sees them.  He knows their names.  He knows their struggles.  He has a plan.  So I will rest in Him and His promises.  I will ask Him to carry that burden, because it is too heavy for me.  He is able.  I will make myself available.  And I will encourage anyone I can, whenever I can.  Praise God, from Whom all blessing flow!

---

When I was pregnant, I kind of wanted a boy because I thought I didn't know how to be a mom to a girl.  Now that I've met the Peanut, I'm so glad God gave me a girl!  Specifically, I'm glad He gave me this girl.  Because she's pretty awesome.  And I also realized that I have no idea how to be a mom to a boy, either!  The thing is, these little people teach you how to parent them.

---

I'm so glad that I started nursing school before I had a baby, because otherwise, I would truly have no idea how to take care of this little person. During my pregnancy and in the early weeks with the Peanut, I would reference my peds and OB textbook so many times the pages were curling.  And I would go over and over the information from childbirth classes and the hospital.  And the Peanut would not follow the book, especially in respect to eating.  Lots of people tend to have feedback and advice for new parents.  It can be a little confusing.  And let's not even talk about the information you can find when you google.  I've finally figured out that these are the people I should listen to in regards to how to care for my child:

1) My parents
2) Tim's parents
3) My pediatrician
4) Anyone who tells me that I'm doing fine, especially if their kid did the same thing and turned out fine.

That's all.  No one else.  Mostly, I just need to listen to the people that are telling me we're doing ok.  Because mostly, we're doing ok.  Probably.  Time will tell.

---

When I graduated from high school, I wanted to be a doctor.  Then I changed plans, and figured I would be a stay at home mom.  Then I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mom, but I wasn't sure I didn't either.  Then I decided to become a nurse.  Then I started nursing school.  Then I got pregnant.  God has carried me through nursing school and made it clear in so many ways that He has called me to be a nurse.  And He also obviously called me to be a mother.  As I already mentioned, nursing school has helped prepare me to be a mom.  Then I had a baby, via c-section, and the nurses that cared for me were phenomenal.  They knew what I needed before I did. They cared for me when I was so broken and vulnerable, and literally helped me get back on my feet again.  They watched us so closely in labor, and when things should have been scary for me, they weren't, because I knew those nurses were watching us like a hawk and were on top of it.  And one nurse in particular said just the right thing at just the right time, the morning after my c-section, when she got me out of bed and starting (oh so slowly) to feel like a person again.

In school, I worked so  hard to master the knowledge and skills necessary to care for people.  But I kept remembering what my experienced nurse friend told me when I first told her I was thinking of becoming a nurse.  She said "Nursing gives you a unique opportunity to minister to people when they are are their lowest."  Being the patient puts a whole new perspective on nursing.  The nurses in the OB department truly ministered to me in a time that was full of joy, yes, but also overwhelming fear and uncertainty.  My life and identity (not to mention my body) were changed when my daughter was born, and those nurses rolled up their sleeves and leaned right in to caring for me.  I miss them.  I want to move back in to the hospital...

All of that to say, this journey into motherhood has prepared me to be a better nurse.  So I'm not sure if God made me a nurse to help me be a mom, or made me a mom to help me be a nurse.  But the Glory of God is that it is both of those things, and probably so much more that I don't even know yet.

---

Nursing school is a double-edged sword, though.  You learn about all kinds of things to worry about, that you didn't even know where a thing.  A few weeks ago, I was almost convinced the Peanut had intussusception and was going to take her to the ER.  Just because she was fussy and hadn't pooped according to her usual schedule.  Instead, I messaged my friend who is a mother and a pediatric nurse and ran it by her.  She talked some sense into me, and laughed with me, saying she goes through the same things.

Motherhood is not a solo gig.  It should not be done in isolation, or else you quickly (oh so quickly) spin off into crazy land!  I'm so thankful for Big Time Timmy Jim, and for my friends.  Other mom friends who struggled through breastfeeding, who aren't afraid to get personal.  I'm thankful for my many close friends who have also had c-sections, who tell me that, heck yes, it takes a full 6 weeks, if not longer, to recover.  Thankful for friends I can call to watch the Peanut for a minute, who are used to my messy house, and who don't bat an eye when I have a pile of kleenex because I wrote a pile of thank you notes that brought tears to my eyes.  I am thankful for so many people that love me for me, despite the fact that I'm a disaster, and love my daughter and tell me how great she is, and who are cheering for our little family.  And I'm thankful that from the very beginning, years before the Peanut was conceived, God whispered in my ear, "I am with you.  I am right here."

She's here!

Hi Everybody!  Thought it was about time to let you all know that Baby Taylor has arrived!  It's a girl! The Peanut is doing well awesome, and I'm...surviving. Jury's still out on Tim :)

This is probably the first of many posts where I try (unsuccessfully) to not say All The Things that new parents say. Also, what does one even say at a time like this?

When I was pregnant, most of my anticipatory child-rearing anxieties revolved around character-building, and how to train our child.  Since having her, my fears have become much more immediate and survival centered.  While I still pray "Lord, I pray that she would grow to know and honor you" (when I think of it), my prayer every night as I kneel beside my bed is "Lord, please keep her ALIVE! Please help her to continue to breathe throughout the night."  Not because she's having any particular illness or respiratory difficulties, but those (what I've come to learn are normal) baby noises can sure make it sound like she's choking or about to die.  Strangely, she doesn't seem as fragile as I assume newborns are.  Maybe it's because she's mine, or maybe it's because she's wicked strong, but in any case, "handling" her isn't as nerve-wracking as I thought it would be.

Also filed under "not as bad as I thought it would be": changing diapers.  This is probably due to the fact that I'm a nurses' aid, and clean up adults with all kinds of GI issues.  Tiny, breastfed newborn diapers are easy, and hardly stink at all!  The main difficulty is that very dangerous moment between removing the dirty diaper and placing the clean one.  A LOT can happen in those few seconds...

Everyone says that having a baby will change you forever, and you will experience a love you've never know before.  It definitely does change you!  I mean, Tim's holding a baby, so if that doesn't show you how life-changing it is, I don't know what would.

As for that love...yes, but it's not what I expected.  I notice it when we share her picture on Facebook and everyone states the obvious and says "She's so beautiful! How precious! What a perfect baby!" And my reactions are "Obviously! Of course she is. Yes, she's perfect, but don't tell her that, I don't want her to get a complex." It's just weird that I would think anyone was perfect. (For the record, that feeling is wearing off.) I also realize how much I love her when I think about how devastated I would be if anything happened to her.  So I try not to think about it.  But when I do, it takes me down tearful paths.

I just look at her and realize how much better her life is already than so many people in this world.  She has everything she could possibly want or need, and God has put Tim and I in a position that we can make sure she has the best care possible (from people other that us, that is.  We're still not the best at this parenting thing.)  I get so sad when I think about babies and parents in the US and around the world who do not have the resources and support that they need to thrive or even survive.  But I know that God has given us so much so that we can share it with others, and having this little Peanut has given me fresh eyes for needs in this world and what can be done to help. One of my favorite bloggers, Ashley Ann, is on a trip to Ecuador with Compassion International, and her thoughts are resonating with my new-mom heart in a big way.  

And now to answer the question I know you all are asking...how are the dogs taking it?  Jynx was super-duper excited when she came home, and very curious, sniffing her endlessly.  She's a proud big sister that looks after baby sis.  She wants to be RIGHT THERE when I am taking care of the Peanut, especially if she's fussing. The first time we left Peanut in a room by herself (with the baby monitor on, of course) Jynx was VERY concerned, wondering where she was and who was watching her.  When Jynx figured out what room Peanut was in, she felt the need to guard the door so that someone was keeping an eye on that baby.

Tico is a little less enthralled.  He's definitely feeling like the displaced baby.  He's becoming more accepting of Peanut herself, but still seems to resent his new position.  I'm trying to be intentional about making sure he still gets love and snuggles and the occasional walk.

Everybody asks where she got her hair. Arguably, from me. When I first laid eyes on her, I was strongly reminded of my baby picture. She and I have something else in common...Tim is our favorite person in the world!

ps- I know I need to change the blog title...I'm getting there

Zwischen and Koselig: Life at This Moment

Hello Friends!  Did you survive the holidays?  We did, but our holidays were pretty quiet, so there wasn't much to survive, so we could just focus on enjoying.  It was nice.  Here's what's going on at the Taylor house.

Last week, Tim's parents and sister came to visit for a couple of days.  Between the frantic house cleaning in the hours before their arrival, and the help they gave us finishing things up and putting things together, a major transition occurred.  In about 48 hours we went from "Stay in there, Baby! We're not ready... you'll be coming home to a disaster" to "Ok, maybe now we're as prepared as we'll ever be for your arrival so...any day now."  Not ready, but prepared.  I also transitioned from working (what seemed like) a lot before Christmas, to hardly working ever, because I keep getting put on call.  This has led to a lot of couch sitting, eating, and book-reading, and maybe just a bit of cabin fever.

 

 

Am I nesting?  Tim and I have differing opinions on this.  I don't feel a "surge of energy" to suddenly clean the entire house top to bottom.  However, all of the down time over the holidays has me feeling a little "I should probably do something active and productive."  Not that that has actually happened.  Tim, on the other hand, came home and said "You ran the dishwasher and you unloaded it today?  You must be nesting!"  I know I'm not the best housekeeper, but I think I deserve a little more credit than that.  Anytime I talk about cleaning anything, he gives me the "are you nesting?" look.  In things that I read written to "new moms," they are always encouraged to prepare themselves that the house won't be clean, and "it's ok to not wash the dishes or run the vacuum...you just need to cuddle your baby."  This is where Tim and I may have a leg up on other new parents...we're used to those things not being done, and it doesn't really bother us!

he says he's not trimming his beard until Baby's here... 

Over a month ago, I read this article when Joy the Baker shared it.  When I read it, I thought "I won't feel that way...I'll still be like 'Wait, Baby! I'm not ready to be a parent!'" But here I am, 40 weeks along, and this is approximately 95% where I am (I'm not weepy, nor do I feel particularly emotional.  More just...pensive?)  Zwieschen--in between-- exactly describes it.  While I'm excited about meeting Baby, I have spent some of this pregnancy grieving the end of "life as we know it."  I've finally come to a place where I realize that change can be (and often is) good, but I also know that it comes with a loss.  It's no longer going to be just Tim and I.  We won't have the freedom we did before.  But in the last couple of weeks, I think I've come to realize that that part of our life is gone already.  Slowly, over the last nine months, "life as we knew it" left us.  Even thought Baby's still inside of me, I feel (and look!) different.  My pregnant state effects the food we eat, the things we do, and the decisions we make.  It hasn't been "Tim and I" for quite awhile now.  And while that makes me kind of sad, there is no going back.  I know that what is coming will be good, too (probably) if not even better.  So I guess I'm getting kind of anxious to get there. 

Having said all of that, I'm 40 weeks along, and I really can't complain.  I'm not that uncomfortable.  Really, this pregnancy has been a dream.  I wish a pregnancy like this on every woman (although I don't recommend being pregnant through nursing school :).  I'm always asked "How are you feeling?" and I never really know how to answer.  "Pregnant" is usually what I say, but I feel that it communicates more discomfort that I am feeling.  Yes, I'm having contractions, but I hardly notice most of them.  Baby's still rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars.  But sometimes I almost forget I'm pregnant until my belly bumps into something, or I try to pick something up off the floor.  I am anxious for labor to start, but mostly because I want it to start on it's own...I really don't want to be induced.

On the other hand, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that this will definitely happen.  With other major life changes, like marriage, buying a house, or starting a new job, there's always that chance that something could fall through at the last minute.  When having a baby, it's definitely going to happen.  One way or another, whether mom and baby survive, the pregnancy will end.  It's just that I've never gone into labor before... that's something that happens to other people. But then I said the same thing about pregnancy, so...

Tim went back to work today, after two weeks of vacation.  I'm trying not to just sit and wait.  My friend, Emily, shared this article on Facebook, and I really loved it.  I love the idea of koselig,, "all the best parts of Christmas without the stress"?  Yes, please!  That is totally in line with the spirit of Christmas Spirit Day! The dogburts and I have been embracing this idea the last couple of days, and I think it will carry us through the next couple of months.  But I like the bigger idea behind the article as well.  These Norwegians don't see winter as a thing to get through, it is something to enjoy.  Can't we apply that to other things in life we view as unpleasant?  A shift at work? A class? A long workout?  The last days of pregnancy? (Dare I say it..) Labor?

koselig..I think they've mastered the concept

I guess that article inspired my New Year's Resolution: enjoy each moment for what it is.  As Jim Elliot said "Wherever you are, be all there."  I want to live fully in these last days before I meet my baby.  I want to enjoy winter and not just get through it.

So that's where I am right now.  I don't want these days to be filed under "waiting," I want to file them under "lived fully."

What's going on with you? Any New Year's Resolutions? Please share!

LPN Graduation

Well...  today I graduated from the LPN program.  While I'm very glad, (and happy that I finished before going into labor!), it still hasn't quite sunk in yet.  My last day of my preceptorship was Tuesday.  I didn't expect fireworks or anything, but we got to 9:00, and I kind of said to my preceptor, "Well... I have my hours in" and she filled in my evaluation and said thanks and I said thanks and then I left.  

I keep on wanting to say "I'm done!"  But it's like "I'm done with my LPN... except I still need to take boards." Or, "I'm done with school...until I start the RN program in June."  Closure is never as clean as we think it will be, is it?  I'm ok with that.  I think I often deal with things better when they just kind of... fizzle out.

Today we went into school to do some final paperwork, and then have a graduation luncheon, and it was such a special time.  The food was amazing...and the cheesecake! Fantastic.  My sweet classmates and instructors all had a card and baby gift for me.  I still don't know how all of the best people ended up in my life.  God has definitely blessed me above and beyond anything I could ask or imagine.  

So now what?  On my way home, I treated myself in true Stephanie fashion... by going to the library.  Then I came home, and the dogs were actually excited to see me.  Jynx came running, chugged a bunch of water, went outside for a few minutes, then came in and puked on our newly refinished hardwood floors.  "Congrats, Mom!" Nothing says "You're going to be a nurse (and a mom)!" like making me clean up puke.  I guess this is what I signed up for (on the nursing end...I'm still not sure I officially "signed up" for parenthood...)

Tonight, to celebrate, Tim and I are going out for a really nice dinner I'm working a 12 hour shift.  So my real celebration will be a nap this afternoon.

I'm still not quite sure what to do with myself.  Last night I kept sitting there thinking "shouldn't I be studying something, or writing a care plan, or journaling about my clinical experience?"  Nope.  None of that. 

I know what some of you are thinking. "Well, Steph, maybe you should start getting ready for that baby to come.  Throw some things in a bag for the hospital...wash some baby clothes...GET A CRIB."  Don't worry... I have comforting words for those of you that are concerned.  The nursery is painted (almost... it needs another coat), we now have a car seat (it's in a box in our living room, but what matters is that we have it), and we live 4 minutes from the hospital, so it's not that hard for Tim to run home and get things.  I figure he might want to come home and shower anyway.  Everything I REALLY need for labor is in my purse (chapstick).  They also supply a few things at the hospital (like a gown, and ice chips).  I'll get around to packing a bag...eventually...probably.

See how prepared we are? We're so good at this parenting thing...

I've been comforting myself with the statistic that first time moms with a complication-free pregnancy who are left to go into labor on their own on average go to 41.5 weeks, which would put us in mid-January.  I'm very comfortable with mid-January.  However, about two weeks ago, I started feeling crappy (nauseous, mid-back cramps) and was worried I might be in pre-labor.  I didn't want to call the doctor and have him put me on bedrest (I had clinicals to finish up!), and I started to feel better, as long as I drank gallons of water and kept my blood sugar up.  I saw the doctor for my regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday, and asked him about these symptoms.  He said they could be contractions, then looked at my belly. "You see this right here?" he said "This is a Braxton-Hicks contraction."  Oh.  Good to know.  That's been happening a lot.  For awhile. He also said I'm far enough along that if I go into labor they won't stop me (really?  are you sure?  isn't it still early yet?) and said "Maybe you'll have a Christmas baby!"  He must not be on-call for Christmas.  I don't think he was saying I'm going to go into labor anytime soon, but it wasn't a reassuring "you've definitely got a few weeks left."  So who knows? (God knows... duh.)  We shall see.

So now I just work twice a week, do what we can to get a nursery together, and see when this kid decides to show up!  In the meantime... here's what you can do to help.

Do you have any name suggestions?  
Let's try to keep this positive.  Please don't say "Whatever you do, don't name them (blank)," because what if we really liked that name?  That makes it awkward for everybody.

As always, thanks for reading. I love you guys...