weekly meditations: Psalm 37:7

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes." 

Psalm 37:7

weekly meditations: Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

weekly meditations: Psalm 143:8

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

finding rest

It is 6 am on Saturday morning, and I've been awake for an hour an a half.  Since I work night shift, it would make sense if I had trouble falling asleep last night (I didn't), since I woke up at 4:30 pm yesterday.  But why do I wake up so early so often?  And why do I also have trouble falling asleep at night? I didn't get to sleep until after 3:30 am on Wednesday night/ Thursday morning. I often lay in bed, wide awake, trying to convince myself I should switch to day shift, because my sleep is so whacked-out.  I also wonder if all the daylight surrounding the summer solstice is throwing off my sleep, but then why do I sleep best during the day when I get off work?

To be honest, I don't know that my sleep troubles are entirely the product of the lack of a circadian rhythm.  Shortly before my sleep trouble really kicked in, I saw a quote that said something like "I think the reason I lie awake in bed, is because that's the only time I'm quiet enough for God to get my attention."  While I know God can do whatever He pleases to get my attention at anytime, I am grateful that He is using this more gentle approach to urge me to seek Him.

With our adoption in process, being a nurse and a mom and a wife and a sister and a daughter and a friend, adulting in general, and the overall seemingly dark state of the world, there's a lot to lay awake thinking about.  I do my best to pray about it instead of just think, and my friends that are further along in their adoptions get a lot of prayer as the result of this, because they weigh heaviest on my heart when I'm thinking about Africa. However, I desire to meditate on God's Word more, focusing on His truth and not my troubles or circumstances. 

Remember when we used to do weekly meditations?  I think it's time to bring that back.  I'll do my best to post a Bible verse here weekly that we can meditate on, focusing on The Truth instead of the world around us.  Because no matter what is going on around my, my hope is in the Lord!

As frustrating as it is to not sleep when I want to, I try to relax, pray, lean into His Word, and trust that He will give me rest.  He knows what I need better than I do.  On that note, here's our first meditation, one I repeat to myself often when I'm lying awake...

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

To see past weekly meditations, click here.

CAR

Sunday July 9, 2017.  Our little family was back at church, and for the first time in several weeks, Tim and I were both sitting in service together.  We were so happy to be there!  Between traveling and nursery duties, it had been awhile. 

Due to the memorial service for his father that weekend, Pastor Bob was not preaching this week, and had asked a man from our community, Carter Strand, to come and speak.  Carter shared this video:

Afterward Carter spoke about the orphan crisis in Central African Republic, the work of Jonathan's House for Orphans, and some ways that we could get involved if we were interested.  I felt like I was holding on for dear life during most of his talk, thinking "what is happening?!" When we got home, Tim and I sat down to lunch, looked across the table into each other's eyes, and knew/hoped we knew what the other was thinking.

We're adopting.

As surprised as we were, and as much as the timing seemed strange, we both knew without a doubt that this was what God was asking us to do.  Not "someday."  Now.

The topic of adoption has come up casually with us in the past, and we both would say "yeah, someday we'll probably adopt," but I think we assumed we would wait until we felt we were done having biological children before pursuing adoption.  Tim pointed out that we've both heard countless sermons and talks on adoption, but we've never felt so clearly and certainly that God was telling us to do it.  Now.

A couple of weeks later, we met with Carter and spoke with him.  After a few more phone calls and a lot more waiting, we got hooked up with our adoption agency and started their processes in November.  Our first home study visit was in February, and our final home study visit was on Thursday.

 Each adoption story is different and unique, and each country does things differently.  Part of our process involves a trip to the Central African Republic (CAR) to meet the children.  Instead of being matched with an orphan, families adopting from this orphanage are allowed to meet the children and identify who they would like to adopt.  No pressure!  I think it would be so much easier to be matched!

Tim and I made the trip in March.  We traveled "alone" but were assured over and over and over that the Lord went ahead of us, with us, and behind us.  As my new friend, Rachael, prayed over us  "For the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard." Isaiah 52:12b

The preparations for the trip were overwhelming, but we saw God work in countless ways!  We have so many people loving us, supporting us, praying for us, and cheering for us, and we felt that big time while we were there!  Here are some examples of answered prayers:

• Connections with long-time family friends from CAR that helped us get our visas on time
• Many other mom that are adopting or have adopted from JHO that reached out to me, encouraged me, helped me, and prayed for me, particularly when I would feel most like we were doing this alone or feeling anxious
• Smooth flights with no delays, and no lost luggage
• We connected with our host, Samuel, shortly after arriving at the airport
• We did not have to pay excessive taxes on all of the supplies and gifts that were sent with us to the orphange.  A HUGE answer to prayer!
• Safety!  If you check the FBI travel site, they strongly recommend NOT travelling to CAR.  At all.  The UK says not to venture outside of Bangui, the capital.  We were 3 hours north of the capital in an area that is currently stable, but due to the nature of the rebel attacks in the country, this could change at any time.  Not only did we stay safe from rebels, but also injury and illness.  Praise the Lord!
• We prayed many prayers that the Lord would guide us in our decision to adopt.  Early in our adoption journey I was reading in Isaiah, "Your ears will hear a word behind you, 'this is the way, walk in it' whenever you turn to the right or to the left." (Isaiah 30:21)  This has been our prayer!  That we would be walking with the Lord so we can hear His clear directions in our ears when it is time to go one way or the other.  Very quickly after arriving, we realized we would not be able to-- and it would not be best to-- make a decision about who to adopt while we were there.  We needed to come home and have space from that beautiful place to think about it.  While we wanted to bring all 29 children home, we felt comfortable that we did not make a decision while we were there.
• We were worried that we would be a burden to the staff and not have anything to do and be in the way while we were there.  While we probably were a burden to the staff and were in the way, we did find ways to use our gifts to help in small ways.  Tim did wiring at the clinic that is run by the orphanage so that when they receive a generator or--even better-- solar panels, they can have power.  I was able to work with the doctor, explain some of the medicine and supplies we brought, and see potential for future medical mission trips.

While our purpose in travelling was adoption, we quickly realized that adoption is only part of what God is doing in CAR and in us.  We hope to make many, many trips back to encourage the staff, teach them skills, bring supplies, help the community, and help our adopted child(ren) remain connected with their culture.  We don't know what all of this will look like, and most of it needs to wait until our adoption is finalized, but we know that God will finish the work He has started, and we are only a tiny little part of it.

So where are we right now?  As I said, our last home study visit was on Thursday.  When our home study report is finished and reviewed and approved by all required parties, we will submit our dossier.  That is actually when our adoption process starts.  At this time, in CAR, it is averaging about 1 year from when the dossier is submitted to when the child comes home, if there are no major complications (and there have been families with major complications).  When we submit our dossier and are approved by the US to adopt internationally, we can find out which of the children at the orphanage are officially adoptable, and we hope to make a decision at that time.  Until then, we prefer not to discuss "what types of kids" we are thinking about.  We will announce who we are adopting when we are allowed to.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed and supported us so far.  You have blessed us more that you will ever understand!  The Lord has made His presence known to us in the process so many times, particularly with an encouraging word from a friend-- new or old-- just when we needed it the most.

My words are inadequate to share what God is doing, but Rachael's daughter in CAR said it best...

"Only God knows the end of the story."

Do I like nursing?

As I near the 6 month milestone in my new nursing career, I've been asked a lot (and ask myself, too!)..."Do I like it?"  Do I like nursing as a career? Do I like my job specifically? Do I like working night shift.

To make a long story short: Yes.  Yes. Yes.

But I'm not really one to make a story short when I could go on and on, so if you're interested in The Long Story...read on.

3 months ago my answers would have been "Prooobably." "I'm not sure I'm lovin' it, but I'm interested in working in OB." and "Nights sure beat Days!"  Now I'm feeling much more settled, and a little bit more competent (just a little!), and I'm extremely grateful (most of the time) that God chose to make me a nurse .  Since nothing is ever 100% perfect, and there's always bad with the good (and good with the bad), let's break it down a little.  Here are 5 things I don't like, and 5 things I do like.

5 things I don't like:

1. Working and having a job.  I know that these are both good things, but having that obligation really cramps my style, ya know?  Not to mention it takes a lot of time.  It would be so much nicer to have every day, evening, and weekend off!  But this is what God has called me to do, so here I am.
2. The rest of the world does not operate on a night shift schedule.  Packages are delivered (causing the dogs to bark like crazy) about an hour after I get to sleep.  Important phone calls come in the middle of the day (middle of the night, for me), and I am sometimes forced to choose between sleeping and missing out, or showing up and being a zombie. If I worked days, these things would be a little more clean-cut: I can be there, or I can't be there. I'm working or its my day off.  The lines are a little fuzzier on nights. Also, trainings and meetings are never scheduled at convenient times for night people. But is there every really a convenient time?
3. Dealing with anxious, confused, agitated, or otherwise very needy patients.  Like the ones that have a hefty dose of Lasix ordered for 2100 (why?!) and need assistance to transfer to the commode.  Every. 10. minutes.  I think I find this especially draining (no pun intended) because at home I have a very mommy-dependent toddler that wants to be with me all of the time, and even if she doesn't want to be with me, she requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE (in the words of Mad-Eye Moody).  Its just a lot of being needed, and not much of a break.
4. Calling the doctor.  Because I hate calling people in general (does anybody actually like it?), and because I know I sound like I'm 12 when I'm on the phone (and probably in person, too), and because I'm always afraid they'll ask me something I don't know but I should, and because it usually means the doctor forgot something or I forgot something or the patient has had a change of status. Not good things.  Thankfully, we have some really great docs (especially on nights) and after working with them for awhile you can have an idea of what to expect from them, and what they expect from you.
5. I don't like not being perfect. I hate it that I'm not super-nurse.  I can never get everything done, and if I can, it's not done on time.  I can never give my patients the level of care that I want to.  This is mostly due to the fact that I can only be in one place at one time, and I only have 2 hands and not 4.  And they forgot to give me my magic wand at our pinning ceremony (I really need to follow up on that).  I'm slowly learning to become more efficient and sort out what really does and doesn't matter.  And occasionally I have come home after a shift and thought "maybe I kind of did ok."

5 things I do like:

1. Working and having a job. Yes, the "I want to stay home/I want to work" debate is never. ending. in my head (seriously, it never stops).  But I'm glad I have a reason to get out of the house.  I'm glad to have a break from The Peanut that I love so much, and I'm glad she gets time with her dad without me.  It really helps that the work I do is extremely meaningful and pretty fulfilling. And I'm not complaining about the money that gets deposited into our checking account due to the fact that I work.  The money that allows me to PAY SOMEONE TO CLEAN MY HOUSE.  Yes, you read that right.  I pay someone to clean my house, and it is WORTH IT!!
2. What I love about nights is that there are way less people around.  On days you can walk into the nurses' station at any given moment and there could be 5-15 people in there.  On nights you walk in and chances are good there will be NO ONE in there.  We don't deal with physical therapy, or doctors rounding, there are a lot fewer visitors (don't get be wrong, they are still very much there), and there are no administrators- just a House Supervisor.  The vibe is much more chill on nights.  The lights are out.  Even when it gets busy (which it does!) it is a quiet busy.  I love the night-shift vibe.  And the people that work nights tend to be much more laid-back and easygoing as well.
3. Being there for patients who are anxious, confused, agitated, very sick, or otherwise need a nurse.  I love bedside nursing! I love taking care of people.  I love explaining things to them as much as I am able.  I love helping them when they really need help.  I love talking to them and joking with them, and hearing their stories (they have some GREAT stories, guys), and making them comfortable and fluffing their pillows and getting them pain meds and fresh ice water. And I LOVE giving them warm blankets.  Nursing is the best, guys!  I LOVE it! What a relief...nursing school was quite a hell to go through, and how awful would it be if I didn't like nursing?
4. The team of people that I work with is fantastic.  Since I clearly am not perfect, I rely on others so much.  First of all, the grace of my All-Powerful God has carried me (and my patients) through more that I will ever know.  Secondly, the aides, nurses, supervisors, monitor techs, lab techs, respiratory therapists (love them!) and yes...even the doctors that I work with are all in it together to do what's best for the patients we care for.  We help each other and we support each other.  And we have fun, too!
5. I love that the work I do is meaningful and life-giving.  When the world around me seems to be filled with darkness and dismay, and there is so much that I feel helpless about, I feel like there are maybe some things I can help with.  I can't save the world (but God can!), I can't heal anybody (but God can!), but at least I now have more skills to use to serve the Lord and help hurting people.

So, yes, I like nursing.  Yes, I like my job (I think I'll hold off on moving to OB for now).  And night shift is definitely my jam.

As always, thanks for hanging in there with me.  I know my posting isn't very consistent, but you all read and support me anyway, and I am so thankful!

So... it has come to this

Here we are again, my friends.  That part of the show where I am coming back from a long absence (I think this was a new record), thanking you for being here, for not giving up on me.

Clearly, I don't even know where to start.  I think we last left off with how to get through it... and we got through it!  At least my little family did.  Barely.  By God's grace alone.  To God be the glory, great things He has done!

Let's hit the highlights since my last post, and then we can just move forward:

Last December I was honored to be part of a wedding for some very special friends.  The bride was a 5th grader in the Sunday school class we started teaching the summer after we moved here.  In the last 9 years our relationship has changed from a frustrated student and teacher to a sweet friendship and I was so blessed to be a bridesmaid and stand with her and her husband (from Tim's Sunday school class!) as they exchanged vows before the Lord.  Two lessons from this:

1) When you first meet someone, you NEVER know where that relationship will go.
2) It is amazing how God grows and changes people!

That's me on the right...a lot of people didn't recognize me!

The Peanut turned 1 in January, and we had a little bit of a party.  Her Aunt Kelly and Uncle Justin came to visit and some of her friends came over for cupcakes and hot cocoa.  We tried not to go overboard... I think we succeed. We were lucky to accomplish a party at all!

She liked the cupcakes

In March I BECAME AN AUNT!!!!  Guys, being an aunt is SO GREAT.  Honestly, when I found out about my nephew's arrival, the feeling I had was what I had expected to feel when I became a mom.  To see them and be like "Awwww' and just instantly love them.  Becoming a mom was so different, though.  Of course I loved the Peanut right away, but it was a ferocious, terrifying love.  Like "If anything happens to this child I don't know how I could even keep on breathing."  Of course I would be devastated if anything happened to my nephew, but it's just a lot different.  Probably because I'm not the one responsible for keeping him alive.  I didn't get to meet him until I was done with school in May, so it was so much fun to love him to death and explain that I'm the silly aunt (just so he knows).  That kid is the highlight of my year.

HE'S SO HANDSOME I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT!!!

Cousins!

In May I finally graduated from nursing school with my Associate Degree in Nursing!  SUCH a good feeling.  School was killer.  It really, really tried to kill me.  I was so tired, I even drank flavored coffee.  Twice!  (It was all that was available...I take my coffee black- no flavor, no cream, no sugar).  I remember being with my family for a weekend to have a baby shower for my sister, and thinking to myself (as I was sitting in a room by myself, pumping and studying) "Everyone tells me what I'm doing is crazy and they don't know how I'm doing, but at least no one has said 'Steph, I'm worried about you.  Seriously, are you ok?' So it can't really be that bad..."  The next morning I was sitting at the table eating breakfast and working on a take-home test that was due Monday when I got back.  Dad-- (Dad!)-- came in and said "Steph...I'm worried about you."  Dad doesn't say things like that.  It was that bad. But the Lord carried me through, because this is what He has called me to.

These two made so many sacrifices to get me through school. I love them!

Sven surprised me and came for graduation!

In June we went on our long-awaited vacation to my FAVORITE vacation spot, my happy place...Hilton Head!  We went with Tim's extended family to celebrate his grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary.  The house we stayed at was AMAZING, and we had a great time, but let me tell you...Hilton Head is a very different experience with a toddler.  She had a great time and was such a trooper though. We are so thankful for the fun-loving, happy, laid-back kid we have.  And we're so thankful for Grandmom and PopPop and their generosity in taking us all to Hilton Head and their example of 60 years of love and commitment to each other and the Lord.

This summer I also starting working full-time nights as an RN at the hospital where I had been working as an aide.  It has been challenging, rewarding, exhausting and a HUGE adjustment for our family.  But that's pretty much a whole post in itself, so we'll talk about that later (probably).

As usual, we snuck away for a weekend at the lake with Sapphire and the Peanut did much better this year than she did last year.  It was a fun and relaxing weekend, but maybe next time we'll leave the toddler home with some friends to help with the laid-back lake weekend vibe.

Late July and August have been filled with travels, since my sister Kelly is getting married in September!  The Peanut and I flew back to Ohio for the bridal shower, then a few weeks later I left the Peanut here with her dad and flew to Albuquerque.  Both weekends were very full but a lot of fun.

The beautiful bride!

And that pretty much brings us up to the present.  While these were all big moments that were pretty exciting, this summer I've been remembering that it's really the little moments that make life so great.  Having a slow breakfast with the Peanut while we watch Instagram stories, spending time outside watering my plants in the evening, Skype calls with grandparents, and Bible study with friends.  I'm so glad to be free from school to enjoy these moments!! We continue to adjust to my new job and work schedule, but overall we're doing great.

Hopefully I will be checking in here more often now that I've cleared the hurdle of Breaking The Silence.  Blogging helps me get things out of my head, and helps me look back and remember where we've been and where we're going.  Maybe I'll do some kind of regular posting "Bake of the Week", more episodes of "Real Life with the Taylors" or I could even finish up my "London Travel Tips" series.  Or maybe I won't post again for another year :)  One never knows.

For an explanation of the title, check out (the always-informative) xkcd 1022.  If you didn't need an explanation, then I'm glad we're friends.