Thanks for listening. :)
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| on our way to the Central African Republic, March 2018 |
Let's continue the discussion with some FAQ's...
How much longer will it take?
We have no idea. It could be a few more months, or it could be a few more years. There have been so few adoptions out of CAR that an "average" time frame would be statistically insignificant, as well as irrelevant, because each case is so different. Around the holidays one of our friends asked us "Do you think 2019 will be the year that you bring them home?" and our answer was "that would be extremely optimistic." And neither Tim nor I are overly optimistic. It will happen when it happens. God's timing is perfect, even if the waiting is hard.
"Why does it take so long?"
Our process specifically has taken a very long time (so far) for many, many reasons. Things in Africa move on "African time" and things in CAR are not particularly stable. The US government is in no rush on immigration, our agency has been dealing with the struggles of starting a new adoption program, and we, personally, are not get 'er done kind of people. Each of these components has their own very good reasons for moving at the pace that they do (perhaps with the exception of Tim and I), and the intention behind the delays and caution is really to protect these children. There are many times I have thought "I wish I would have worked harder to get that turned in sooner" or "maybe I should have pushed harder or called more often or sent more emails to get people moving" or even "does God want me to fight harder/ work harder for this?" But when I read the Bible and I ask the Holy Spirit to help me, what God keeps saying is
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. " (Exodus 14:14).
Many other adoptive moms I know have very Type A personalities, and are making phone calls, writing emails, knocking on doors, kickin' butt and takin' names. And I wonder if I should try to be more like that-- fighting for my kid(s). But the reality is, I hate calling people. I am not a pusher or a do-er. I hate to email people to just check in or see if there are any updates, because I don't usually like it when people do that to me...I assume they have a good reason for not having responded or updated me. And what I keep telling myself (maybe what God is telling me) is that my laid-back nature might be one of my greatest strengths as an adoptive parent. I don't know...I'm not there yet. But I'm trying to seek the Lord, and ask Him to change me into the best mama for this kid/ these kids.
"Why is adoption so expensive? Don't they want to encourage people to help these kids?"
One of the best responses I have heard to this question is that adoption is a picture of our adoption as God's children, and our adoption was so costly. Ephesian 1:5 says that "He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will." The cost of our adoption was the death of God's own perfect Son, who took the punishment for the sin of the world. He did this so that we could be "fellow heirs with Christ" (Rom 8:17). Could there be a greater cost, than the life of the perfect Son of God? What is a mere $20,000-$50,000 in light of the price of our adoption!?
Another perspective that God has given me is that He uses the task of funding an adoption to show how He provides, and to help families realize their resources and support systems. Many families do fundraisers to help cover costs, and I'm sure that by doing that, God builds their support system and affirms the call to adoption. We have done no fundraising yet, but God has still been so faithful to provide abundantly, showing us that He is walking with us through this process.
"They have living relatives? Then why are they at an orphanage?"
For kids to be adopted from CAR, at some point a living family member must give consent. This happens at different points in different cases, but from what I understand, if a living relative is not involved in the process, it will not happen. So why are kids at an orphanage when they have living relatives? Although the answer is very complex, it is also simple: their families are unable to care for them. JHO is actually very selective regarding who they will take in to the orphanage, because the preference is for children to be cared for in homes with families. To be allowed into the orphanage, circumstances are usually life-or-death. There is no one who can provide what the child needs to survive. If relinquishment of familial rights is a requirement for kids to enter the orphanage, it makes the decision that much harder for the family caring for the child. Put yourself in their shoes: you live in a war-torn country that is the hungriest country in the world. You do not have a job, and survival is a moment-to-moment task. You are trying your best to care for your child or family member, but you are losing. You are dying and they are dying. There is an opportunity for this child to live in an orphanage with loving staff, 3 meals per day, a roof over their head, the healthcare they need, and more security than you have ever known. What if you had to agree to never see this child, never be involved in their life, not be able to see them grow up, just so they could go to this orphanage? I think that would be a hard decision to make. Thankfully, JHO does not require that, but the US government does if the child is to be adopted.
Does your daughter understand you are adopting?
Very early on in the process, we asked The Peanut if she wanted a brother or a sister, and she promptly replied "Bister!" We've since been referring to the child or children we are adopting as her Bister, and we pray for them together every single day.
She's starting to wrap her mind around it a little more, and will often pray for her "Sister Africa" (she's decided it's a sister, I guess, not that she really knows the difference between brothers and sisters). She talks about when "My Africa comes to my house" and generally she seems excited about it. However, I don't think she really knows what it all means and it will be a big adjustment for her, just like for any 3 (or 4 or 5) year old when they get their first new sibling. We'll break the news to her that their name is not Africa when we know their name(s). I've tried explaining that Africa is actually a place, not a person, but...try explaining that to a 3-year-old. I spend enough time explaining "why?" that I get a little worn out, so sometimes you just roll with it.
How can I help/support/pray for you?
Thank you for asking! We need all the help and support we can get!
One of the best ways you can support us right now is to educate yourself about adoption and trauma, and how to care for kids from hard places. A great resource I have been enjoying is The Adoptive Mom podcast-- so many amazing stories of God working in adoptive families! But have tissues ready, especially if you start at Season 1 Episode 1. The conversations Alex has with her guests will begin to give you an idea of the challenges of adopting, dealing with trauma, expectations for adoption and adoptive families. Lots of great stuff! Many other resources have been mentioned in the podcast, and as I work through those, I will share the ones I find particularly helpful on the Adoption page of my blog here.
Throughout every step of the process, prayer will be the best way you can support us. Here are a few specific ways you can pray right now.
-Pray for the birth family of our adopted kid(s). Our agency is working to obtain relinquishment, which means their birth family signs away all legal familial connection. This is a hard decision and very complex. Please pray for peace in their family, and above all, that they would put their hope in Christ, not the next generation of their family.
-Pray for the lawyer in CAR as they work through this process, that they would encounter few obstacles and no corruption.
-Pray for peace in CAR. This has been an ongoing struggle that has actually been in the news lately. Pray that they would be able to move forward as a united nation, and that all of the children in CAR would experience safety and stability.
-Pray that the US Embassy would work to complete adoptions. 5 families ahead of us in the process are waiting on the US Embassy to complete final (routine) investigations and allow their adopted kiddos to leave the country. Please pray for movement and pray against fear.
-Pray for our family. The waiting is hard, but we know God is working. Pray that God would give us eyes to see His work and that He would be preparing us all for what is to come. Especially as The Peanut is now asking questions, pray that we would help her to process this and that God would guard her heart.
-Pray for the child(ren) we will adopt! Pray that they would trust the Lord and know Him more each day. Being adopted will be another crisis for them to navigate, and I pray that they know the Lord and rely on Him through another big life change.
I think those are the big questions we get asked. Thanks for walking through this with us and for your support and prayers. I'll try to keep you posted!
