6 years, 6 lessons

Today Tim and I are celebrating 6 years of marriage.  I can hardly believe it!  But on the other hand, I totally can.


While I'm certainly not a wise old woman, I have learned some stuff in the past 6 years.  This isn't necessarily marriage advice for anyone else, it's just what I have learned about the two of us as a pair.  Every couple is different.

So, here are 6 things I have learned in six years of marriage, numbered approximately in the year I learned them.

1.  I expect a lot of myself and therefore expect a lot of those around me.  Tim, on the other hand, is a very laid back, extremely forgiving guy.

I saw a quote on pinterest that said

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

This could be used to imply that others aren't putting as much into the relationship as we are.  But maybe the problem is that we are willing to give too much.  I know that's a dangerous thing to say in a marriage (because it should be 100/100, not 50/50), but I realized that I was willing to give Tim about 1000 things that he didn't really want.  And then I expected him to be grateful, and to offer me 1000 things he didn't have to offer (because, you know, he's human).  Also, I didn't really have the capacity to offer him those 1000 things.  But I could maybe offer him 1 or 2 things and do them really well.  And the truth was, he really only wanted 1 or 2 things from me, and if I was mediocre at them sometimes, he was ok with that too.

The point I'm trying to make is, I had to lower my expectations.  Lowering my expectations of Tim might seem like settling, but it really wasn't because I got to lower my expectations for myself, too.  So its a pretty great deal.

2. A few girlfriends can go a long way.  Having someone else to talk to, over-analyze life with, and get out of the house with was a HUGE game-changer in our marriage (in a good way).  Special thanks to Leah, Sapphire, and Jenn for keeping me sane and protecting Tim from having to deal with/entertain/spend time with/ listen to all. the. time.  Also, having friends came in handy since Tim was gone a lot that year.  Like, really a lot.

3.  Space is a very good and very healthy thing in our marriage.  We moved from our apartment into our house, and the difference was earth-shattering (ok, sometimes I'm prone to hyperbolie).  But seriously, having space for all of our stuff, and having space to have people over, and having the option to be in different rooms makes a huge difference to two people who score about 98 on a scale of 0 to 100 where 0 is the most extroverted person in the world and 100 is a hermit that lives off the land so they don't have to go to the store and interact with people.

You know what the ironic thing is, though?  Now that we live in a house that has about 9 different rooms (and a garage with more square footage than our apartment had), most of the time when we are home together, we choose to be in the same room, because we like to be together.

I'm sure there's some sort of scientific explanation for this.

4. Periodically I will ask Tim what makes him feel loved, and consistently he will give me about the same 2-3 answers.  Sometimes I get frustrated and think "Come on... give me more to work with here!"  But I don't need 50 ways to show him I love him.  I just need to do those 2-3, because they really do it for him.

One of those things is when I just sit and spend time with him, while he is working.  "You don't even have to talk... just be there."  So, when he's working on the car, I try to hang out with him in the garage.  Sometimes this just about kills me, because I can think of a million things I should be/could be doing inside, but it is worth it, because it energizes him and makes him feel loved.  Sometimes I swoon-- "you're sooo strooooooong" --and other times I fall asleep on the creeper.  I've have mucho opportunity to join him in his work this past year as he works on the church project.  I can't always be there, and I'm usually not helpful, but I know it means a lot to him that I'm there to hand him his wrench or to go and fetch lunch.

5.  I need to let things go.  Whatever it is, whatever he did/ didn't do, whatever I think I deserve, I just need to let it go.  Holding onto a grudge doesn't hurt him, it hurts me.  I don't deserve the moon and the stars, and spending life with Tim is better than that anyway.

6.  I have learned to enjoy the everyday moments, and see the fun in life.  Sometimes I wish we had the time to go and do big fun things, like trips to Disney World.  But these past couple of months I have realized that we have a lot of fun here at home, doing ordinary things.  This is because we choose to make things fun, to see the fun that is already there, and to laugh.  Laughing is a big deal.

Like I said, this is just what has worked for us.  And there is still a lot to learn and work out, so we'll just keep plugging along.