"But questions are tricky, and some hold on tight, and this one kept Rosie awake through the night." -Andrea Beaty, Rosie Revere, Engineer
It has been another long silence on this blog, and while much has happened in our adoption journey in the meantime, there is little progress to report.
Last September, we received the much-awaited news that there had been progress in achieving "adoptability" (for lack of a better term) on some children at JHO. We were thrilled and hopeful, praising the Lord for the good news at a time when we very much needed something to rejoice in.
A few days later, our adoption agency notified us that after 2 years, they had not been able to get their CAR program off the ground like they wanted to and would not be doing CAR adoptions going forward- they suggested we check with another agency.
To say we were devastated is a tremendous understatement. As much as I wanted to call our agency and ask them a thousand angry questions, I couldn't, because I could barely speak through my tears. My sister, Mandy, happened to call me in those hours and walked with me through some of the toughest stuff I have ever been through (thank you, Mandy). I then had to pull myself together and go in for another 12 hour shift at work. I only got through that night because friends and family were praying for me, although they didn't even know what was going on. Thankfully, I was able to be by myself most of the night...huge thanks to Maria for noticing my pain and being there with me, even though I couldn't talk about it. (I love you, Maria). The next day Tim made some phone calls, and we learned that yes, there had been good progress on adoptability, but our agency did not have the resources to do what needed to be done to complete adoptions. We started the process of changing agencies. It was in the midst of this that I wrote my lament.
We have now changed adoption agencies, and (by God's grace) are really no further behind financially. We haven't lost any ground in our process, either, except for the time that feels wasted, waiting on our old agency. Truly, that time is not wasted, because we did not have any other options at the time. Furthermore, God was using that time to work in us, and (I'm sure) in our children to prepare us for His plans... whatever they are.
We feel good about our new agency, but in November they notified all CAR adoptive families that due to circumstances beyond their control, all adoptions are on hold. At this time I happened to be reading through Exodus, and arrived with the Israelites at the edge of the Red Sea, with the Egyptians closing in.
"They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing out of Egypt?'" Exodus 14:11
I'll be honest... usually when I read about the Israelites, I have an attitude of "Stop your whining! Have you no faith?! Haven't you seen with your very eyes the great works the Lord has done to deliver you?!" I sort of give them a pass up to this point, because they hadn't seen Him part the Red Sea yet. But this, time, I was humbled and cast my judgement aside. I feel ya, Israel.
I have questioned many times in the last 2.5 years if God will bring this adoption to fruition. And I still don't know if He will...He will show me in His time. Of course, I believe that He can do it. That is not the question at all. Of course He is big enough to bring it about, despite the rebels, and Central African courts, and the Embassy and the Department of State. He is above all those things. But just because God parted the Red Sea for the nation of Israel does not mean that He will complete this adoption. And it's not because He loves Israel more than He loves me or the kids at JHO. It is simply that He can see the bigger picture and I can't. He knows what is best, and I don't.
I know that regardless of whether this journey ends in adoption or not, God is going to show up in a big way, just as He parted the Red Sea. He may bring these kids to our home, and that would be HUGE, or He may show us that that is not His will. And He will show up big in that case, because if we are still walking and talking, and functioning as humans and a family with grief and loss like that, it is ONLY because God is right there with us in a big way.
Since November I have been wandering in the wilderness with the Israelites as I read through the Torah, and the Lord has shown me through His Word, over and over again, that He is faithful. Even when we are disobedient and rebellious and faithless, He is faithful.
I'm now in Deuteronomy, and Moses is giving a bit of a farewell address to the nation, before they enter the Promised Land without him. (all emphases in these passages is mine)
"What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the Lord our God is near us whenever we pray to him? And what other nation is so great as to have such righteous decrees and laws as this body of laws I am setting before you today? Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them." Deuteronomy 4:7-9
"For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which He confirmed to them by oath." Deut 4:31
I've said it before, and I will say it again (and again, and again): God has led us here, but HE HAS NOT LEFT US HERE. As much as I long to see a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night to assure my of God's presence and leading, He has always, always been faithful to show me that He is right here by my side, no matter what we are walking through. To God be the glory!
I know that someday I will look back on this and see how God provided every single step of the ways, just as He did for the Israelites, but my prayer is that I would see it NOW, in this moment. And I pray that others around me would see it as well--you too, dear reader! God is doing all of this for His fame and His glory, and I pray that people would look past us and our story or journey, or whatever this is, and see that God is doing this, and that He is Faithful and True.
"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt. Fear the Lord your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deut 10:17-21
I pray that I would be faithful through this process, and I pray that we all would see that God is faithful, no matter what.
